National Helpline for female domestic abusers / perpetrators 0203 286 4482 – Because Both Parents Matter.

CURRENT UPDATE: The next course start will be October 31st and Nov 1st and part 2 will be on Nov 14th and 15th. Updated 21st October. The course after this will start on December 12th and 13th with the second part on January 9th and 10th –

This confidential helpline is open from 10.00 a.m to 12.00 a.m and 2.00 p.m to 4.00 p.m. An answephone will cover the remaining times with a call-back available if requested . You can arrange with a volunteer to call you back or take a call from you at a more convenient time to you.

An abuser is someone who uses or has used abusive behaviours with an intimate partner, male or female. A perpetrator is someone who has been convicted by a court of being abusive/violent with a partner or former partner.

Both Parents Matter because whenever possible children need two responsibly behaving parents in their lives. Parents nearly always bring different positive aspects to a child / children’s lives.

 The Office of National Statistics (ONS) statistics on DV indicate 1.4 m female victims and 695k male victims in heterosexual relationships. This implies 1 female with abusive behaviours to every 2 males with abusive behaviours, assuming a more or less equal number of Gay and Lesbian couple relationships. Professor Tonia Nichols explains here how deeply some women are involved in domestic violence. If you want to read in much greater detail about statistics Wikipedia gives you exhaustive information here:

EMOTIONS: Emotions drive behaviours, not a desire for power and control. It follows that you need to learn about your emotions and how to regulate them for yourself. Dr Louise Dixon points out here in this 2012 paper the underlying needs for work with females, indicating that it is very similar work to that needed by men is what is required.

Many individuals have had traumatic, even very traumatic histories. Often these histories impact very powerfully on how an individual responds to situations and often the range of their behaviours is severely restricted or amplified because of those experiences. As you can read in Daniel Siegel’s book, The Developing MInd . Important quotes can be found on this page

About 60% of domestic violence is so-called situational couple violence. Either or both individuals involved in the couple relationship have “issues” within aspects of family life. Different situations provoke conflictual responses in either or both partners. These can range from the almost “trivial” in content and easily recognised, but very meaningful to the individual and their resulting behaviours. They can also be very profound and or subconscious and need extensive help a) to recognise and b) to do something about.

There is precious little to no meaningful work available nationwide for women who recognise they have a problem with their behaviours. That is what makes this website so important when more than 35% of domestic abuse is by women, women who are often in charge of , or become in sole charge of children. The current “standard response” for females, both victims and abusers is to send them on the Freedom Programme. Here, Sue and David comment on the first 3 chapters of the Freedom Programme. Reading on afterwards and researching just a little comments via Mumsnet where most often there was full praise for the content but annoyance and disbelief at the price, £10.99 for 116 pages in largish print. Reading it as a man I was disturbed by the sheer misandry which Ms Craven is prone to exhibit, “ex mis” – externalised misandry! I wondered not only at the outrage that would ensue were a man to write anything vaguely critical of a woman, let alone base a course for females abusers on a mindset which is so obviously likely to be attempting to “blame men” for the abuser’s behaviours.

Michelle, Ian’s ex-partner in this video here got sent to prison for 7 years.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s) and other traumatic experiences during adolescence and adulthood are frequently inter-twined in the behaviours exhibited later in life in couple relationships and also with children. In many cases they are no less traumatising to the individual than the experiences of people who have lived through wars or who have been involved in the horrors of war.

Couples often come together from very different cultures, very differnt religions and with very differnt background familial expectations. There is nothing “magnetic” about like poles attracting and unlike poles repelling – couples can have very great difficulty into adjusting towards onee another in the early stages of a relationship and with babies and young children around there are enormous internal stresses on the individuals, let alone the external stresses posed by work and employment and the virus. How to begin to cope with these situations passes very many people by!